"Tips for Parenting in Public"

TEMPER TANTRUMS
SHARING
BITING HITTING AND PINCHING
LEAVING

TEMPER TANTRUMS
Have you ever had to tell your child it was time to leave the park, or delay having dessert, only to be greeted by uncontrollable kicking, screaming, and crying?  Temper tantrums are a young child’s method of coping with an unhappy or frustrating situation.  They are not at all unusual and are part of a normal stage of development.  Toddlers are struggling to sort out - yes from no - out from in - mine from yours.  With their new mobility and emerging vocabulary, everything is very exciting.  Sometimes they lack the self-control to calm down from all this activity, and simply dissolve into a temper tantrum.

TIPS FOR HANDLING TANTRUMS

• It is important not to give in to tantrums.  They can become a control issue if your child learns to associate this behavior with getting his own way.


• Know your child’s limits and recognize her moods.  Tantrums almost always happen when limits are being set.  Consider your child’s needs as well as your own.  Is your child tired, hungry, overstimulated, not feeling well?  Has his routine been upset?


• If your child has been having problems with tantrums, take the pressure off.  Don’t go to the supermarket when he is tired and hungry.  Before you go, talk about and offer a choice, “Would you like crackers or pretzels for your snack today?”


• Try distracting your child.  Lead her to a different activity or do something totally unexpected.  Sing an operatic song, whisper a secret, check the squirrels outside the window.


• Take your child to a quiet place and give him a chance to quiet down. Don’t try to reason with him in the middle of a tantrum.  If your child might hurt himself or others during a tantrum, hold him so he knows that he is safe.


• Yelling at your child or punishing her for her tantrums will only make her frightened of expressing her feelings.  When it’s run its course, hug and comfort: “I’m so glad you’re feeling better now.”


• Let your child know that you appreciate it when a tantrum has been averted. “Thank you for waiting until I got off the phone to get your juice.”

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SHARING
Two-year olds are just learning what it means to be somebody called “me” and to have things called “mine”.  They are becoming more aware of who they are and what belongs to them - their toys, their clothing, their favorite drinking cup.  To part with their things is like parting with a piece of themselves.  For a young child to say something is “mine” is not a sign of selfishness, but rather a first step toward understanding about “mine” and  “yours”, and learning to share.  Children need to hold on before they can let go.  Three-year olds have a little easier time with sharing, because they can begin to think about how other people feel. And because they can put words into sentences, they are able to think about fairness. When you can begin to think about fairness, you can begin to think about sharing.

HELPFUL HINTS ABOUT SHARING

• Set a good example. Young children take in everything they see you do. Take the opportunity to demonstrate generosity. Share your clothing for dress-up or offer to share snacks and goodies.  When drawing together, make a point to ask your child, “May I have your red crayon when you are done?”


• Encourage cooperative play.  Choose shareable playthings that there are lots of - magic markers, books, legos, pots and pans that can be used by more than one child.


• Don’t insist that your child share everything.  If your child has special playthings that he does not want to share, put them away when playmates come.  Expect him to share only those toys that are out.


• Help your child to share.  Ask a child who has trouble sharing to choose a toy for another child.  It puts the focus on friendship rather than on the object


• Make a game of sharing.  “First Johnny has a turn pulling the cart and  Catherine rides in it.  Then Catherine pulls the cart and Johnny rides in it.”


• Applaud your child’s successes.  “Susan really enjoyed rocking your doll.” Or on a bad day resist saying, “You’re so selfish”.  Instead gently mention, “Sam can’t have fun if you keep grabbing the truck.”


• Enlist the children’s help in problem solving.  “You both want this puzzle - how can we solve this problem?”

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BITING HITTING AND PINCHING
What can you do when your child bites, hits or pinches another child? Because young children are often unable to put feelings into words, their responses are sometimes expressed physically.  Infants learn primarily through their senses, especially their mouths and hands.  While kissing and hugging results in a positive response, hitting, biting and pinching are often frowned upon. Children may bite and pinch others not to “be bad”,  but because they are still discovering and learning how to handle feelings in acceptable ways.

HOW CAN WE HELP?

• Try not to reprimand your child when he “acts out”. Tell him it is okay to feel angry, but tell and show him that it is never okay to hit someone.


• If your child is angry or frustrated and bites or hits, label her feeling and show her another way to express them. “I can tell you are angry because you cannot have that toy, but people are not for hitting. Hit this pillow instead. “ Give her some time to grasp the idea.

• Never let your child hit you.  Even when he’s at the peak of anger, he senses underneath that an attack on people he loves is wrong.

• Show your child appropriate ways to behave. Tell him to say “help”  instead of pinching.  Show him how to pat someone’s arm instead of biting.  If your child continues to be aggressive, calmly remove him from the person he hit.  Do not talk about his behavior or it may increase because he likes the attention.


• Don’t be afraid to apologize to the child that was hit.  “We are very sorry that Susie hit you. She is tired and frustrated.  Please excuse her.”  Children’s negative behavior in public is often embarrassing for parents, and sometimes they are not quite sure what to do.  Apologizing for your child can sometimes help ease the tension.


• Let your children know that you love them, even when their behavior is sometimes unacceptable.

Adapted from HELP...at Home 1988 VORT Corporation

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LEAVING
Have you ever tried to leave someplace when your child isn't ready to go? 

Sometimes it's difficult for young children to leave a place or change activities when they are busily involved.  Their focus is on themselves and what they’re doing here and now.  Understanding time, moving from one thing to another, and respecting the needs of others are still hard concepts to comprehend.  Young children are just beginning to assert their sense of independence and want to make their own decisions.  They may often need our help making transitions.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO MAKE LEAVING EASIER

• Tell your child in advance that you will be leaving and offer a choice of last activities.  “We will be leaving in about five minutes.  Would you like to go on the slide one more time, or finish playing with the train before we go?”


• Acknowledge your child’s feelings about wanting to stay.  “I know that when you are having fun it is hard to leave. But we have to go now.”


• Prepare yourself for leaving before you tell your child to get ready to go.


• Develop a good-bye routine.   Say good-bye to the staff and other friends you’ve played with in Playspace.  Put the train on the track and shopping cart in the corner.  Go out through the climbing sculpture or ride down the elevator.


• Talk about all the things you’ll do and see after you leave the museum.  Look at the water, feed the pigeons, have a picnic, ride the train.


• Remind your children that all their favorite things will be waiting for them when they return next time.

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